Me again!

It has now been almost 7 weeks since my surgery. Our little guy is out of pain for the most part now and life is returning to "normal". As I reflect on the last few days I feel compelled to record what I have learned about myself over the last few days in hopes that someone will read it and give themselves the credit they deserve for they, like me, may not realize just how ill they really are. My closest friends and most of my family had no idea. I hid it pretty well in public, it was my poor husband and kids that felt it the most.

The last 5 years of my life I have willed myself through every day. Each day I woke up and had to make a conscious effort to get up and get moving. It came on rather slowly at first and just built up gradually over time. I had 3 children during this time and so usually I just attributed the exhaustion to the stress (physical and emotional) of motherhood with young children. I am sure that played a part but know now that there was much more going on. My symptoms intensified 100 fold after the birth of my last baby 2 years ago. For 2 or 3 weeks out of every month I was fighting through every hour of the day. I was exhausted and in pain. I felt like a failure in so many ways and could not understand why my body and soul were so tired when I was trying to do everything right. In this state I carried on in multiple church callings, teaching joy school, volunteering at the elementary school, working with my clients, caring for my sick mother when needed, and trying my best at home to keep house and be a good wife and mother. I fell miserably short. Without a very understanding and hard working husband I would not have made it through these last few years. I was so tired of life. I dreaded each new day as it came but muscled through them and tried to find joy in all the right places. Blessings came like they always do and I was carried through these burdensome years on the backs of friends and family and under the protective pavilion of my faith. No one really knew I was suffering, not even my sweet husband realized how bad it was. I did not realize how sick I was either, it is only now that I am well that I can look back and see just how much I lost and how much I was blessed. I went from needing to sleep 14 hours a day and still not being able to feel rested to needing 6 hours of sleep and waking feeling like I could climb Mt. Everest! I wanted to be a fun mom and a wonderful wife but I barely had the strength to get some of the necessities of life done each day. I did what I had to and on the rare day that I felt good we had lots of fun. It was a very depressing way to survive. I am so grateful for a doctor who took me seriously and who compassionately got me to the specialist that could help me. I look forward to enjoying more of life, to smiling more and enjoying my babies more! I get up and by 8:00 in the morning have done more than I used to do in an entire day! It is the simple little things every mom does every day that I so often couldn't do. I am able to cook all three meals, clean up the dishes, do my work, play with my kids, spend quality time with my husband, clean my bathrooms regularly, keep up the yard, etc. Nothing extraordinary but oh so meaningful to me. I cannot thank my Father in Heaven or Savior enough for carrying me through these last few years. Without Their help I would not have been able to enjoy any of my days or do anything that was of worth. It was my faith and confidence in Them and the covenants I had made that allowed me beautiful joys and great successes even amid my greatest physical and emotional challenges.

As I turn my attention to the upcoming Pioneer Trek we are going on I feel like again "all things have worked together for [my] good". I will have the physical strength to make the trek and I have a new perspective that will give me an ability to bear a special witness to our Trek kids of the way the Lord continues to work miracles in our lives and how the Lord qualifies those He calls. My heart and soul were willing and I accepted without hesitation the invitation to go but without the inspiration to return to my doctor and get my medical needs taken care of my body never would have made it and my capacity to teach and lead would have been greatly diminished . I also have been extended an opportunity to take on more clients at work which I would not have been able to do in the condition I was in before.

I am so grateful for a husband who supported me and our little family through these last 2 years. He has done so much and sacrificed so much to make our life as happy as possible and he has supported and encouraged me through it all. I could not ask for a better companion and friend to experience life with. He has been just as burdened with my situation as I was and I know these last few years have been very hard for him too. We are both so happy to have me at full strength for the first time in a LONG time.