Me again!

It has now been almost 7 weeks since my surgery. Our little guy is out of pain for the most part now and life is returning to "normal". As I reflect on the last few days I feel compelled to record what I have learned about myself over the last few days in hopes that someone will read it and give themselves the credit they deserve for they, like me, may not realize just how ill they really are. My closest friends and most of my family had no idea. I hid it pretty well in public, it was my poor husband and kids that felt it the most.

The last 5 years of my life I have willed myself through every day. Each day I woke up and had to make a conscious effort to get up and get moving. It came on rather slowly at first and just built up gradually over time. I had 3 children during this time and so usually I just attributed the exhaustion to the stress (physical and emotional) of motherhood with young children. I am sure that played a part but know now that there was much more going on. My symptoms intensified 100 fold after the birth of my last baby 2 years ago. For 2 or 3 weeks out of every month I was fighting through every hour of the day. I was exhausted and in pain. I felt like a failure in so many ways and could not understand why my body and soul were so tired when I was trying to do everything right. In this state I carried on in multiple church callings, teaching joy school, volunteering at the elementary school, working with my clients, caring for my sick mother when needed, and trying my best at home to keep house and be a good wife and mother. I fell miserably short. Without a very understanding and hard working husband I would not have made it through these last few years. I was so tired of life. I dreaded each new day as it came but muscled through them and tried to find joy in all the right places. Blessings came like they always do and I was carried through these burdensome years on the backs of friends and family and under the protective pavilion of my faith. No one really knew I was suffering, not even my sweet husband realized how bad it was. I did not realize how sick I was either, it is only now that I am well that I can look back and see just how much I lost and how much I was blessed. I went from needing to sleep 14 hours a day and still not being able to feel rested to needing 6 hours of sleep and waking feeling like I could climb Mt. Everest! I wanted to be a fun mom and a wonderful wife but I barely had the strength to get some of the necessities of life done each day. I did what I had to and on the rare day that I felt good we had lots of fun. It was a very depressing way to survive. I am so grateful for a doctor who took me seriously and who compassionately got me to the specialist that could help me. I look forward to enjoying more of life, to smiling more and enjoying my babies more! I get up and by 8:00 in the morning have done more than I used to do in an entire day! It is the simple little things every mom does every day that I so often couldn't do. I am able to cook all three meals, clean up the dishes, do my work, play with my kids, spend quality time with my husband, clean my bathrooms regularly, keep up the yard, etc. Nothing extraordinary but oh so meaningful to me. I cannot thank my Father in Heaven or Savior enough for carrying me through these last few years. Without Their help I would not have been able to enjoy any of my days or do anything that was of worth. It was my faith and confidence in Them and the covenants I had made that allowed me beautiful joys and great successes even amid my greatest physical and emotional challenges.

As I turn my attention to the upcoming Pioneer Trek we are going on I feel like again "all things have worked together for [my] good". I will have the physical strength to make the trek and I have a new perspective that will give me an ability to bear a special witness to our Trek kids of the way the Lord continues to work miracles in our lives and how the Lord qualifies those He calls. My heart and soul were willing and I accepted without hesitation the invitation to go but without the inspiration to return to my doctor and get my medical needs taken care of my body never would have made it and my capacity to teach and lead would have been greatly diminished . I also have been extended an opportunity to take on more clients at work which I would not have been able to do in the condition I was in before.

I am so grateful for a husband who supported me and our little family through these last 2 years. He has done so much and sacrificed so much to make our life as happy as possible and he has supported and encouraged me through it all. I could not ask for a better companion and friend to experience life with. He has been just as burdened with my situation as I was and I know these last few years have been very hard for him too. We are both so happy to have me at full strength for the first time in a LONG time.

Healing, Suffering and Enduring

Before my surgery I received a Priesthood Blessing and was told that I would feel closer to my Savior through this experience and understand that He knows of my pains and suffers with me and will abide with me through it all. I should not have been surprised by this but was. For months I have felt like I am distant from the Lord. I have not to my knowledge committed any grave sins nor have I ceased any of the daily things that have brought me close the Lord in the past. I just felt distanced, like my testimony was stagnant. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and of the mighty restoration of His church in the last days. I know that my Father in Heaven is real. I know He lives and cares about me. I feel Him in my daily life. I have had many experiences too sacred to share that make me say for sure that the God of Heaven lives, loves us, guides us, and answers our every faithful petition.
I know that His son is the Savior of the world. I know He made His great Atonement in our behalf. Little did I know my greatest lesson would come in the suffering of our youngest child.
Our little one broke is leg and is in a cast that pretty much immobilizes his lower body. The pain of the break was horrible then add the muscle spasms that torment him daily and the tummy ache the pain meds give him and you have one very sad baby boy. As I sat helplessly holding him while he endured cramping and stomach pain I realized anew the great suffering our Father in Heaven must have felt. I cannot fathom how He was able to endure it nor how He endures the suffering of so many all the time. Mental, physical and emotional pains that afflict every living soul. The longer I live and the more people I develop relationships with the more real the scope of the Atonement becomes. It is my sincere desire to endure well and lighter the burdens carried by others in anyway that I can not only to reduce their suffering but to reduce the suffering of my Savior and my God. Nothing comforted my heart more these weeks have past than the sweet friends who have come to visit us and who sent love and gifts to brighter his spirits. Healing, suffering and enduring are important  life experiences that can draw us closer to our Savior and our God if we look for their presence in our agony and extend mercy to others in their times of struggle.

Sacrifices Divine

I now have a deep love and appreciation for every woman who has had a c-section! After years of suffering with crazy life altering cycles I made the decision to have surgery to end my misery. I have been blessed with four wonderful boys who I adore. With the help of my wonderful husband and direction from the Holy Ghost I have come to peace with the reality that I will not bare any more children. I suffered for amlost a year with a deep depression about the thought of not having another baby and sliently but fiercely held on to a hope we would get one more. Then after a particularly painful, exhausting and emotional cycle I went to my doctor and dear friend for help. We decided on a much less invasive solution to my problems and after two months of really strange happenings things seem to be working. I was hopeful life would be good again and I would not have to have surgery. Unfortunately within six months things went funky again. Worse than before...if that is even imaginable! I returned to my doctor who made a referral and in what seemed like a flash I was in the pre-op room of the hospital.
Those 10 days between meeting my surgeon and going to the hospital I expected to feel all of the emotions I had been feeling before. Sadness, regret, anger, helplessness, hoplessness. While I did break down in tears a few times I realized that the tears were releasing the pain and worry. I was no longer feeling anything but a bit of nerves. Can't even call it real fear. It was miraculous to me. It was the long awaited answer to my years of pleading. I kept recalling the verse, "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love and of a sound mind..." (it came as a paraphrase to my mind). While I still dreaded the IV I was totally calm regarding everything else.
The surgery went well. I woke up incredibly itchy and just about scratched my own face off but was pain free. I heard the doctor dictate his surgical report and was at peace knowing things had gone exactly as hoped and nothing alarming was found. My nurses took great care of me and after 24 hours and multiple medications I was no longer itching and had enough feeling back in my lower legs to at least stand. The Spinal Block was a little too good but not a word of complaint from me. I was pain free for all of day one and most of day two.
Here enters my experience that gave me my new love and appreciation for my sisters everywhere who have had a c-section. At dinner on day two I took a drink of juice from a straw and it went down funny. I coughed! Oh I coughed and coughed! Pain like I have never known arched across my incision. I cried out in prayer for the coughing to stop. I rang for my nurse who brought me a "cough pillow" for next time. Tears ran down my face, "What do you mean next time?!?! I am NEVER coughing again!" After my reaction to the medications on day one I was scared to try something strong for pain. I waited an hour hoping things would get better but they didn't. I took the medication the doctor had prescribed and gratefully sleep came and the pain dissipated. It was during that hour I reflected on the women I know who have had their beautiful babies via c-section. I remember that their recoveries were longer and some said they slept in recliners to ease the pain of standing and laying but I had NO appreciation for their pain or exhaustion! Caring for a newborn is exhausting and physically demanding. All night you are up and down and twisting and turning to feed and clothe your little one. How do you wonderful women do it? Then add a second, third, even fourth child to the picture at home. Mind blown.
You are super heroes! You do the impossible with love and tendness. God bless you and every soul who reached out to help and support you!
All women no matter how or when you have babies make sacrifices divine. Every baby is a miracle but so is every mother! I count myself blessed to have so many wonderful mothers in my life. To each of you I say thank you for being miracles everyday to so many. Truly the power of a righteous mother is unmatched. A force to be reckoned with indeed! The countless hours of self sacrifice come in too many forms to deliniate. The physical, emotional and spiritual pain felt too incredible to comprehend. Much like the Atonement, it don't know how you all do it but I am forever grateful that you do! While caring your own heavy burdens you reach out to your husbands, children, siblings, friends, total strangers too. You act as heaven's ministering angels. May you feel heaven's blessings and acceptance of your offerings so holy.

Jacob's Testimony of the Plan of Salvation

I have often wondered how it is that the Jews at the time of Christ seemingly had no understanding of His mission and of the Plan of Salvation. Lehi, Nephi, Jacob, Alma, Abinadi, and others had the same scriptures as the Jewish scribes and Pharisees but understood who the Messiah would be and were watching for Him. Jacob tells is that "no other nation on earth would crucify their God". What was it that corrupted their faith? Priestcraft. Understanding this helps you understand why the Nephities took the rise of Priestcraft among their own people so seriously. Made it a capitol offense. It would destroy the people's ability to recognize and follow Christ.
Jacob bears a clear and beautiful testimony of the great Plan of Salvation and the central role of the Savior's Atonement. He witnesses in 2 Nephi 11:4 that "Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ; for, for this end hath the law of Moses been given; and all things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him." What a powerful thought. Everything God has revealed to man is to point us to Christ and teach us of His Atonement. Every revelation, commandment, covenant, insight, test, trial and gift is to remind us and turn us to Christ. In each of these circumstances we need to ask, "What am I to learn of Christ and His Atonement?" "How can this point me to Christ?" As we do this we will find that we are closer to our Savior and are enduring trails with greater strength, purpose, patience and faith.

Great are the words of Isaiah

When the resurrected Lord appeared to the Nephites he commanded them to search the words of Isaiah. "And now, behold, I say unto you, that ye ought to search these things. Yea, a commandment I give unto you that ye search these things diligently; for great are the words of Isaiah."

This has proven a difficult commandment for many today even though Nephi proclaims that we should understand them better than anyone except maybe the Jews he taught in person! "...for I know that they shall be of great worth unto them in the last days; for in that day shall they understand them; wherefore, for their good have I written them." (2 Nephi 25:8) If you are struggling your way through the Isaiah chapters of the Book of Mormon may I suggest you try to look for what Nephi said they would do for you?

“…now I write some of the words of Isaiah, that whoso of my people shall see these words may lift up their hearts and rejoice for all men. And now I, Nephi, write more of the words of Isaiah, for my soul delighteth in his words. For I will liken his words unto my people, and I will send them forth unto all my children, for he verily saw my Redeemer, even as I have seen him. And I, Nephi, have written these things unto my people, that perhaps I might persuade them that they would remember the Lord their Redeemer.”

The Savior added; “For surely he spake as touching all things concerning my people which are of the house of Israel; therefore it must needs be that he must speak also to the Gentiles.”

As I have read the Isaiah chapters in 1 Nephi this time I have asked the following question: What does this teaching, prophecy or experience of Isaiah teach me about the Savior? So far I have seen the following: 

1. He knows our tendency to take credit for things. He emphasizes the eternal nature of truth and reminds us of the source for real truth...His word given through prophets.
2. He knows our hearts and intentions
3. He knows our tendency to take credit for things. He emphasizes the eternal nature of truth and reminds us of the source for real truth...His word given through prophets.
4. The Lord prepares us for His service when we are willing.
5. Christ knew us before we were born, He knows us better than we know us because the veil has taken our early memories away for a time.
6. He will prepare the way for us and care for our needs when we obey.
7. He loves His prophets and will fulfill all He commands them to reveal.
8. He is the creator and was with the Father in the beginning. All things obey His voice.
9. God will not give His glory to man. He will refine man through trial and affliction that they may learn and come to Him again.

 As Nephi finishes sharing Isaiah's words he teaches his brothers about what he has shared and repeats over and over that the righteous will be safe, have no need to fear, will be preserved and that a way will be prepared for them. He repeatedly mentions that because a prophet said it, it will happen. We need to have that same faith and trust in the words of the prophets, ancient and modern.

Our stake just had stake conference and the theme of appreciating and listening to our prophets and apostles was repeated several times. They are asking us to do some simple things: Fast and pay a generous fast offering (Elder Eyring Oct 2015), Delight in the Sabbath (Elder Nelson April 2015), stand up for the Lord's values by being examples of Christ (President Monson Oct 2015), Stay in the boat and within the safeguards of the commandments (Elder Ballard, President Monson, Elder Keetch, Sister Stephens, and many more). As we harken and obey we will be blessed in the ways Nephi promised. We will be safe with no need to fear. We will be preserved and a way will be provided for us.

Experience the cost of Wisdom

The most profound knowledge is gained through personal experience. Have you ever known a mom or dad or grandparent who seems to know everything? I would wager that if you got to know them very well you would discover that much of what they know they learned at a high price. Years of personal and probably painful experience has been their tutor. I sometimes think that I want to save my kids from my mistakes but know that working through their own mistakes will give them wisdom and if they have to face some of the same hard lessons I did then at least I will know how to support them through the bounce back.

Because I am in 1 Nephi many of my thoughts will be about Nephi and his brothers for a while. I think of Nephi and all that he experienced, the wonderful and the horrible. Here are a few things I have learned from him this time through 1 Nephi.

1. Make the time and put in the effort to know. When Lehi told his sons about his visions Laman and Lemuel just assumed he was a crazy old man. Nephi on the other hand considered his words, compared them to the scripture he knew to be true and then went to the Lord to know for himself. As a result Nephi ended up with remarkable wisdom. He was able to see what Lehi saw and perhaps even more as suggested by his interpretation of the vision of the Tree of Life.

2. Don't take things personally and forgive quickly and completely. When his brothers beat him with a rod, plotted and attempted to kill him (more than once!), bound him to the mast of a ship, and constantly doubted and mocked him he was always was quick to forgive and made sure he use every teaching moment possible to remind them that he was not anything special, they could have the experiences he had if they would turn to God and obey His commandments. He knew that their anger was a result of their own disobedience and guilt and not anything he was responsible for.

3. Follow your living prophet and trust in the prophecies of old. Nephi shares Isaiah's writings from the Brass Plates with us and with his brothers. In chapter 19 he says, "And I, Nephi, have written these things unto my people, that perhaps I might persuade them that they would remember the Lord their Redeemer. For behold, I have workings in the spirit, which doth weary me even that all my joints are weak, for those who are at Jerusalem; for had not the Lord been merciful, to show unto me concerning them, even as he had prophets of old, I should have perished also. And he surely did show unto the prophets of old all things concerning them; and also he did show unto many concerning us; wherefore, it must needs be that we know concerning them for they are written upon the plates of brass. Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, did teach my brethren these things; and it came to pass that I did read many things to them, which were engraven upon the plates of brass, that they might know concerning the doings of the Lord in other lands, among people of old. And I did read many things unto them which were written in the books of Moses; but that I might more fully persuade them to believe in the Lord their Redeemer I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah; for I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning. Wherefore I spake unto them, saying: Hear ye the words of the prophet, ye who are a remnant of the house of Israel, a branch who have been broken off; hear ye the words of the prophet, which were written unto all the house of Israel, and liken them unto yourselves, that ye may have hope as well as your brethren from whom ye have been broken off; for after this manner has the prophet written." In 1 Nephi 22 is gives his summation of what he hopes we will learn from the teachings of Isaiah he shares. "Wherefore, my brethren, I would that ye should consider that the things which have been written upon the plates of brass are true; and they testify that a man must be obedient to the commandments of God. Wherefore, ye need not suppose that I and my father are the only ones that have testified, and also taught them. Wherefore, if ye shall be obedient to the commandments, and endure to the end, ye shall be saved at the last day. And thus it is. Amen." And thus it is,,,if we obey the counsel of the living prophets and trust in their promises as if they cam from the Lord Himself, because they do, then we can enjoy the same blessings Nephi enjoyed: Strength to do hard things, comfort during trial, wisdom, understanding of the scriptures, gifts of the Spirit and so much more.

Homesick

This morning while speaking with my Father in Heaven in prayer I suddenly became so homesick for Him. I found myself in tears telling Him how much I miss Him and wish I could see His face and feel His embrace again. I felt like my little toddlers who play happily with their toys while I go about housework and then suddenly call out, "Mom! Mom!". I come to them. They smile and tell me some little story or just say "hi" then happily turn back to their toys content as can be. I guess I just needed a little check in with my Heavenly Father. I was so grateful for the peace I felt and reassurance that I will be with Him again if I keep the commandments. I found myself thanking Him for the commandments and for the safety and peace they give me. I found myself tearfully thanking Him for the prophets and pioneers who sacrificed so much to bring His words and blessings to my life.

For any who doubt, let me bear witness that your Father in Heaven knows you and loves you. He is watching over your life with great care and longs for your return to Him. He wants to hear from you and comfort you. No matter how far you feel from Him if you turn around where you are and look for Him He will come to you.

(Mormonad from lds.org)